Part II:   How to talk back to your children - Giving criticism

By Gregory Ramey, PhD, child psychologist at Dayton Children's and Dayton Daily News columnist

There are times when parents have to correct their children’s misbehavior. This doesn’t come easily to most parents, who may be fearful that criticisms will result in a poor self concept. Some parents seem to place a higher priority on being their kids’ friend and would rather not deal with bad behavior.

Compliments alone don’t work with children, and in fact will lose their significance if not combined with corrective feedback.

Here are ten ways to make sure your criticism is effective:

1. Be brief. Lectures may make parents feel good but kids of any age just tune out after a while.  
   
2. Be timely. For children under 5, this means virtually immediately after the misbehavior has occurred. Even for older kids, it’s most effective if you let them know within the same day of the problem behavior. 
   
3. Be specific. This is hard for many parents, particularly in interacting with older children and teenagers. Avoid using words such as “poor attitude” or “behaving nicely.” Describe the behavior you find objectionable as specifically as you can. 
   
4. Keep it private. Don’t humiliate your children by public criticism. It typically only results in resentment rather than compliance.  
   
5. Stay balanced. Like the coach of a sports team, parents need to know when to criticize and when to ignore. I’m sure there are lots of things you wish were different with your children. Focus on the really important items so that your kids understand what really matters to you. 
   
6. Combine with praise. Just as you cannot praise your children into good behavior, you also cannot raise kids with only criticism. A good relationship with your children is built upon a foundation of trust, which is achieved when kids feel valued for what they accomplish as well corrected for their misdeeds. 
   
7. Connect criticisms with consequences. When verbal feedback is ineffective, then connect your criticism with specific consequences. For example, “You were 20 minutes late from returning from the mall and you didn’t call. You won’t be allowed to go out with your friends for the next four weeks.”
   
8. Make certain your rules are clear. I hear a lot about this from kids who feel their parents’ rules are often ambiguous. Here’s a simple way to know if your children understand your expectations - have them restate them back to you. 
   
9. Be consistent. Perhaps nothing is more irritating to children than parental inconsistency in enforcing rules. Parents appear capricious and weak to their kids when family rules are selectively enforced. 
   
10. Listen to explanations but don’t accept excuses. Maybe there was a good reason why your child was 20 minutes late in returning from the mall; keep the focus on what he could have done differently to deal with the situation (e.g., call, leave earlier, etc.). You need to exercise some judgment and be neither excessively rigid nor overly flexible. 

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at The Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey.